Surrender
by Ms. Jessica
Summary: Sometimes the hardest thing is to admit that you love someone. Lily and James are best friends and Lily has always loved him, but she doesnt think he loves her back. Especially because he is married! Will her love for him ruin their friendship?
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Disclaimer : I do NOT own Harry Potter!!**

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Chapter one

"Love. Its such a rare thing. Only some people actually achieve it, and some have had it in their grasp…only to have it slip away. I guess that's what you can say happened to me. Though I'd never admit to it, I'm so stubborn! You see my heart is something I've guarded for so long and I let the walls down just long enough for my heart to break. Though strangely enough I have no regrets. It was something I wanted desperately and someone I truly loved, and therefore there should be no shame…right? Then why is it hard for me to accept that I loved him? That he was the only thing on my mind for days on end. That my pulse would speed up erratically at the sound of his name, that my adrenaline would rush when I saw him across the room. But I cant be held completely responsible for what happened, even though I didn't say those three words he never gave me the chance. He never showed any conformation for my flirtatious behavior…"

"Lily," the voice on the other side of the phone sighed, " even though I'm happy to listen to this for the nine hundredth time I actually do have to go to work, and I'm going to say what I always say. That yes I think he liked you and maybe even loved you, but the timing was wrong and maybe, I know its hard to hear, but maybe it just wasn't meant to be." Bridget's answer didn't fully satisfy Lily but she had expected something like it.

"Thanks, I guess." Lily said, she was looking at her fingernails, this conversation was getting a bit awkward and it was quickly becoming embarrassing.

" I'm sorry Lils, you know that I don't mean to upset you but its honestly what I think. I would swear that he liked you, but shit happens and unfortunately it usually happens to nice people. Now I love you but I really got to go!"

"Ok, ok! Just do me a favor ok?"

"Anything."

"Please don't mention any of this to Sirius," Lily knew deep down that Bridget never would but she still felt the need to make her promise.

"I wont."

After Lily was reassured she got off the phone and was about to go grocery shopping when her door bell rang. She left the kitchen and opened the door. Her best friend was on the other side.

"Hey!" she couldn't help but smile every time she saw him.

"Hey!" James returned the smile and came in without invitation. His eyes searched the room before settling back on her.

She closed the door, " So…what's up?"

"Nothing really, just on my lunch break so I thought I'd stop by." He sat down on the couch.

Lily sat in a chair diagonally from him, "Oh, has it been hectic today?"

James was an auror; he worked with Lily, but she had the day off today, " Nah, the same as always."

"That's good I guess." Lily laughed.

James shrugged, "I don't know, I wish _something_ exciting would happen."

"See that's where we differ, I don't mind routine, I actually prefer it."

"I think you might be in the wrong profession then." James laughed.

Lily laughed with him, " No, I don't think so. I love my job, I like protecting people. I like reward that I get after we catch someone."

James nodded, " Me too."

"So how's the Mrs. ?" Lily said as she gathered her hair over to one side and ran her hands through it.

"Good. She's doing fine, she's working today too." James said staring at his left hand.

"Is the hospital busy?" which was a stupid question and she mentally slapped herself for asking it.

"I don't know. I haven't talked to her today."

Lily simply nodded. She hated his wife _Miranda. _They'd never been friends and Lily accepted that they never will be." Well, you want something to eat?"

"Yeah." he answered.

"Well, " Lily started to get up, " I don't have any food here. I was getting ready to go to the store when you came."

James stood up, "We could just grab something and then I'll go back to work and you can go do what you need to do."

"Ok," Lily sighed as she stood up, " let me go get my purse."


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Disclaimer: I do NOT own Harry Potter!!**

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Chapter Two

They walked close to each other, but not touching. They made small talk and laughed at stupid things. They were soon seated and eating.

"So, how's married life? Is it what you thought it would be?" Lily asked before she took another bite.

James nodded as he chewed, but he never said anything after he swallowed.

Lily laughed at this partly because she was slightly happy that he never said that he loved it and partly because of his facial expression as he ate something he clearly didn't like.

"Is that a good thing or bad thing?" She prodded the subject further.

James shrugged, "I mean we're happy, and we love each other."

Lily felt a little pang of guilt for thinking he would say anything else. She smiled at him, " That's good, you know. You _should_ love the person you married." she teased.

"Yeah, I think it helps." he played along. Then he asked her a question she wasn't expecting, "So, are you seeing anyone?"

Lily choked on her water. She coughed before she answered, " No," and then she felt embarrassed. Why didn't she have someone? Why did she have to be single right now?

"Don't worry you'll find someone," he said before he took a drink.

She nodded. That was the problem, she found him he just hadn't found her.

"What time is it?" she asked trying to change the subject.

He glanced at his watch, "Time for me to leave. I'll call you later I think we are getting in a special report or something." He said as he stood up, throwing money on the table.

"Ok, yeah. Just call me later." She stood up also and they walked out.

They hugged before he turned the opposite way and walked down the street. Lily stood there as she put her purse on her shoulder and kept her hand on the strap. She watched him walk way and that's when she knew that no matter what she would always have feelings for him. Even if he was married. Oh god! He was a married man! These thoughts filled her head as she walked to the store. She walked because she didn't feel like finding a safe spot to apparate. Once she was done she hurried back to her flat. She put the groceries back and got out the ice cream. She sat on the couch and had a little self pity party. When she finally couldn't stand it any longer she called one of her best friends and asked them to come over.

Remus was the best person to talk to. He would listen intently and give you the best advice he could. He also always kept your secrets, and that was why Lily always called him and trusted him with her problems.

"Ok so start from the beginning." Remus sat down in the same spot James had just hours ago.

Lily began to pour her heart out …again. Remus had heard this pathetic story countless times, but he was always willing to listen again.

"And I just stood there and watched him walk away like some obsessed fan of his." Lily sighed, she hated herself like this. She hated having feelings for him.

"Lily, I'm sure it didn't come off like that. And you know, maybe he was right about something."

"What?" Lily buried her face in her hands.

"You should get out there and find someone. You need to get your mind off of him." Remus was trying to put it nicely.

"I wish I could. Remus I've been trying _so_ hard for _so_ long. I'm pathetic." She could feel her face burning. She was so embarrassed. Here she was practically in love with a married man, and pouring her heart out to one of _his_ best friends. This wasn't just pathetic it was sad.

"No you're not. You have no control over who you like. It just happens. Love is cruel, it doesn't work both ways." He leaned closer to her not sure how to comfort her.

"I never said that I loved him, I just care for him…a lot." The words sounded fake even to her as she stared at Remus who was trying to think of something to say.

Finally Remus nodded as if accepting her answer then he asked, " How deeply do you care for him?"

Lily's eyes roamed a bit as she tried to put into words exactly how she felt about James, " The truth?" she asked.

Remus laughed, " Unfortunately yes, I prefer the truth in this situation."

" ok, the truth is yes. Yes I love him. Yes I have loved him for years, and yes I've been denying it for just as long. But you see, I knew nothing would ever come of it. I knew that there was no way he could ever have any type of feelings for me." Lily blurted out the words so fast that Remus had to pay extra attention just to catch all of them. Lily felt a little better. Then she realized that now there were two people who knew she love James. Remus and Bridget.

"Did you ask him?"

"What?" Lily was shocked.

"Did you ask him how he felt about you?" Remus repeated his question.

"No!"

"Then that's your problem Lily. What did you expect him to do? Guess? He's a guy he doesn't pay much attention to things like that."

"You're a guy! And you knew that I cared for him." Lily objected.

"Yes, but I'm not James. James can be so oblivious to certain things, you should know that."

The truth was he was right. Lily should have known this and she probably should have said something but… how do you tell someone you love them when they are involved with someone else?

She asked him this and he sighed and folded his hands together, thinking. She interrupted his thoughts, " The point is that I cant. Its painfully clear that he doesn't have the same feelings seeing as he's _married_!"

"The only thing I can tell you now is to move on. Its not healthy to live like this Lily, you cant do it. Especially since you work with him. What do you plan to do? Live the rest of your life alone, and being constantly reminded everyday that he's with someone else? That's torture and you deserve better."

"Right, " Lily agreed, she was only hurting herself. There had to be a better way, some way to get over this and finally move on.

"So," Remus began, " What do you plan to do?"

"I think, " Lily rested her elbows on her legs and cupped her face in her hands, " that I need a vacation. I need to get away, I need time to forget."

Remus nodded once then spoke, " You don't have to forget him, he is one of your best friends. You just need to channel your emotions on another person."

Lily nodded, she would have spoken if it wasn't for the tears that were building up. She felt stupid for tearing up, and she wanted Remus to leave before they spilled out.

"Ok," she sighed looking up, trying to keep them in. She refocused her eyes on his face and smiled, " Thanks so much!"

Remus smiled back, but it was a weak one. He could see the pain written on her face and it hurt him to see his friend like this, " Lily,"

"No," Lily protested, " I'm fine, really."

Remus stood up and she did also. They hugged and Lily gripped his shirt tight. The tears were starting to spill out and along with everything else she was feeling the embarrassment of crying was almost enough to make her cry harder. He patted her back and she released him. He kissed the top of her head, " Its ok. Call me tomorrow." She nodded looking at the floor, failing horribly to hide her crying. He left and she shut the door and slide down it onto the floor and just cried.

The next day Lily was back at work. She greeted James when he came in, but kept herself busy with worthless papers and memos. She felt that minimal conversation with him would be best. If she kept herself close to him she would never be able to move on. Thanks to her busy work they didn't talk much that day, which was hard considering their offices were adjoining. When it came time to leave he came into her office. The door that separated them was always open, and they were frequently in each others rooms.

"Hey." He said on his way in.

"Hey," she replied straightening a stack of papers.

"You excited for the game this weekend?" Their favorite team was playing Quidditch.

"Oh, yes. But I'm actually going to miss it."

"What? Why?" This shocked him, Lily always watched the games.

"Well, I'm going on holiday. I'm just getting really stressed and it'll be nice to just relax, ya know." She moved in front of her desk towards him.

"That's kind of sudden isn't it?"

"I guess, but we get so many days and I want to use all of mine this year." She smiled trying to lighten the mood, " So will you send me an owl and tell me the score?"

"Yeah, where are you going?"

_Oh shit!_ This was supposed to help her distance herself from him. How was she going to do that with him knowing everything? She couldn't risk him sending her things while on holiday, that would only be a reminder of why she was there in the first place. She'd have to have him send it to her flat, or she would just get the Daily Prophet down there.

"Um…I'm going to the Florida Keys. It's quite a distance, but that's good sometimes."

He nodded, " Where are you staying?"

"In a beach house." She admitted.

He gave her a curious look, " You're going on holiday and staying in a beach house all by yourself?"

"Yes," She tried to sound like it was perfectly normal, but her cheeks burned slightly, " Why? Can I not go somewhere by myself?"

"No, I'm just checking." He smiled and she smiled back.

"Its actually a really nice house. Quite expensive, but I don't have anyone else to spend the money on." She mentally slapped herself after saying that. She made herself sound so bad.

"True," he agreed, " If you have it you might as well spend it while you can. Once you get married everything's fifty-fifty."

That hurt, but she agreed with him.

"So when do you leave?"

"Friday. Right after my shift. I got a port key, so it'll be easy, and hassle free."

"That's the best way. Remus and Sirius are coming over for dinner tonight, do you want to come?"

Lily almost excepted but she thought of her conversation with Remus the previous day and decided to decline, " No thanks. I think I should get a start on packing."

This shocked James, "Um…ok."

"So I'll see you tomorrow?" She grabbed her purse.

"Yes," he answered.

"Bye." She turned to go.

"Bye." He said after her.

"Lily I know I said you need to move on but I didn't mean isolation!" Remus sat on her couch. He had just got done eating at James'. Lily sat beside him in her pajamas. Her feet were on the couch and her knees were against her chest. She was sitting facing him.

" I know, I didn't mean to sound cruel, but I really do need to move on. And if that's what it takes…I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to be mean, I just need to be stern."

"Yes, but that doesn't mean you have to stop going to things with him."

"I know, this is just temporary. Just until I'm fully over him. Then things will go back to normal."

"Nothings normal with our group." they laughed then he continued, "He asked me about you." After he said this he regretted it. He didn't want to reopen her wound, but he felt she should know.

"oh, what did he say?"

"Well, he asked about your vacation, about your sudden change in mood and he just wanted to make sure you were alright."

"And what did you tell him?" she brushed her red hair out of her face and pulled it back into a pony tail.

"I told him that you were fine and that you're stressed and just need a break. And I also told him that it was probably 'that time of the month.'"

"You what?" lily was officially mortified.

"It was the only explanation I could come up with for your sudden mood swing. I 'm sorry." He sounded sincere and it wasn't like Remus to do something to hurt anyone else so she decided to just let it go.

" How was everyone? Sirius?"

"Good. Good. He's fine, Bridget came and she's good too."

"That's good." Lily loved Sirius' girlfriend Bridget. She usually liked all of the marauders girlfriends, but she had never liked Miranda and there was no question as to why.

"Are you excited to leave?"

"Yes!" She smiled, " I'm so ready to just get away."

Remus laughed, " I know what you mean. I would love to travel more, but it gets difficult with my _situation_." It was always hard to plan trips and events around Remus. You had to be sure that the full moon wasn't near, and that everyone could get the same days off, but they'd always somehow made it work.

"You should come with me!" Lily suggested, " I have a whole house to myself."

" I don't know," Remus actually looked like he was considering it, and Lily was excited. She didn't want to go alone.

"Oh come on! Its only for a couple of days!" She pleaded.

"I don't know, we'll see. I'll have to see if I can get off work with such a short notice," He was thinking it over in his head.

"Ok, well just let me know soon. I have a port key and everything ready, you'll just have to show up."

The next day Lily was sitting at her desk when an owl flew through and dropped a letter. She opened it up and had just began reading it when James came in.

"Whose that from?"

"Remus."

"What does he say?"

"He says that he would like to accompany me on my holiday." Lily felt a surge of relief. She would be able to have Remus help her finally get rid of her obsession with James.

"Oh," James' expression was confused and a bit shocked, " that's….random."

Lily laughed, " he came over last night and said he needed some time away, and I simply offered for him to join me."

"And he's accepted." It sounded like a question, like he was trying to get the idea wrapped around his mind.

"Well, he says that he wont be able to stay the whole time, he's just going to come for the weekend and then he'll be back."

James' mouth formed the word 'oh' though he never said it. Lily knew what he must be thinking, but for some reason she didn't correct him.

Instead she offered this as an explanation, " I would have offered you to come, but I don't think Miranda would approve, and Bridget, Sirius and Peter can't get off work. So…that just leaves me and Remus."

"Well, it should be a calm holiday then."

"Yes it should, since you and Sirius are not going to be there it will be…" she searched for the right word.

"Boring?" James offered smiling.

"Uneventful," she laughed, " Remus and I don't mind staying in. Unlike you," James' grin widened, " who used to go out every night and…"

He interrupted her, " Hey, you cant say anything! You were the one who loved dancing and besides everyone needs to have fun once in a while." He leaned over and brushed her hair to one side. The touch was harmless enough, but it sent her pulse racing.

"Yes, I suppose. That's why I'm going, I haven't had much fun lately." She could feel the heat beginning to rise up to her face.

James stepped back, "I hope you have fun. I'll send you that score too, so be on the look out."

Her smile came easily, " Ok. Bye." They hugged and he said goodbye.


End file.
